Personal growth can only come from change and to embrace change we need to be aware of – and to alter – the type of conversations we have.
“The character of a man is known from his conversations.”
– Menander
Change – and its effect on the human psyche is something that has always fascinated me.
Some of the biggest challenges that we face today – both organisationally and personally – stem from the hastening pace of change and the ability of people to adapt to it.
Life coaches are, of course, all agents of change but for those who are passionate about it, there is a very large and appealing niche to be pursued in the field of change management.
A powerful insight
On this note, let me share a powerful insight that I learnt about handling change.
It has to do with developing an awareness about why and how we tend to structure our conversations during the different stages of change and how the type of conversation we primarily like to engage in sets us up for failure or success.
Conversation of Worst Fears
Very common, when times are tough and/or a major change is looming and we haven’t yet accepted the necessity of it, let alone embraced it, is the ‘conversation of worst fears’. This is when we talk about just how bad things could get, or what the worst is that could happen and how terrible that would be.
You can enter into a ‘conversation of worst fears’ when something untowards happens to change your life unexpectedly or when confronting change that you deep down desire but superficially fear.
Not long ago I remember getting into a discussion with a group of pensioners who were members of the body corporate overseeing a block of flats in which each had invested. The subject of the economic recession came up and one shook his head, saying: “It will only get a lot worse”, whereupon the general conversation lurched in a rather depressing direction as those gathered began to offer progressively more chilling views on how bad things could actually get and how dire the future looked.
Likewise, I recall a telephone conversation with a person who was considering training to become a life coach. “So, what’s holding you back,” I asked, only to be told, in graphic detail about all the unsavoury things that could possibly happen if he went ahead and committed to a future that, ironically, he clearly wanted for himself!
Conversation of Possibility
The conversation of possibility is achieved through a subtle shift of mindset. It comes relatively easily to some and remains stubbornly elusive to others, particularly those who find some form of strange relief in mixing with others who share their predictions of doom and gloom.
In the case of the pensioners, I tried valiantly to introduce a conversation of possibility, by reminding them of how the economic crisis had made homes more affordable for their children and grandchildren. One lady took my lead and made a few positive noises but the rest were having nothing of it, preferring to remain mired in their negative talk.
In the case of the prospective life coach trainee, I unashamedly resorted to a life coaching technique, asking “But if you don’t make the change now, how will you feel in five year’s time when you are still doing what you are doing?” That did the trick. Suddenly the discussion switched into one about the many possible that were open to someone with life coach training.
Conversation of Opportunity
After a long dark night of worst fears, dawn finally arrives and the light – in the guise of a range of new possibilities – starts to flood in. After that, it is not long before the sun comes out and the mist starts to evaporate.
Forgive the metaphor but can you see that once your conversation turns the corner from worst fears mode into possibilities mode, it’s only a matter of time before those possibilities start to present themselves as real opportunities for further growth and development.
Call it divine intervention, a universal law or simply the power of the human mind. However you prefer to look at it … it works!
If we concentrate our efforts on thinking of ‘what could be’ for long enough, we soon find ourselves confronted with the opportunities that, if followed, can take us in new, more exciting and more positive directions.
Conversation of Commitment
Being able to engage in conversations of opportunity is a wonderful thing, with all the excitement that accompanies it but to make the transformation from night to day complete it is necessary to enter into conversations of commitment.
These are conversations that are characterised by talk of action, of setting milestones and orchestrating events – doing the things necessary to build a new future by focusing on turning an opportunity into a committed course; bringing about a new reality, if you like.
You may wonder whether, to be successful, you need to engage only in conversations about possibility, opportunity and commitment?
To be honest that would be too much to expect. We all have times when we get sucked into ‘worst fears’ type thinking – the early hours of the morning spring to mind!
Awareness is key
Nonetheless, the key is to be aware of the type of conversations we are having – either in our heads or with others – and to know how to shift from ‘worst fears mode’ in to ‘possibility mode’, then to recognise the opportunities that arise for what they are, be able to embrace the one that resonates with you and commit to the necessary action required to bring it to life.
The story of John
Let me end with a real life example from my time in corporate life.
A colleague of mine, who I’ll call John (not his real name) was told, completely unexpectedly, that he was to be made redundant.
Within hours of receiving the news a shocked John began his conversation of worst fears – telling anyone who would listen how this would bring about an absolute disaster for his family, given that he had two children at university and a wife who was not working.
I felt for John and later told him a story of another friend who had overcome a similar situation and gone on to become a very successful entrepreneur. I could see this struck a chord with John who asked me a lot of questions. As the week wore on, he slowly extricated himself from the pit of worst fears and began to become more aware of the many possibilities that his imminent redundancy might open up.
It didn’t take long for John to see the opportunity that had landed in his lap. Before the week was out he had shared with me an amazing business idea that he had had for many years but which he had suppressed while in employment.
Today John is more successful, happy and fulfilled than at any time in the past.